By Tafi Mhaka

How about drinks this Saturday? I hear there is a great shebeen in Saxonwold. I know it is only a shebeen. But if it is good enough for Brian Molefe, the beleaguered CEO of Eskom, the shebeen should be out of this world. So out of this world nobody who lives in Saxonwold has ever bought a round of drinks there. The residents of Saxonwold say Mr. Molefe is lying: there is not a single shebeen in Saxonwold.

Mr. Molefe was named in the State of Capture Report compiled by former Public Protector Thuli Madonsela. Her report states that Mr. Molefe visited the home of the Gupta brothers or a place near there 19 times between August 5 and November 17, 2015. That is a lot of alcohol that you drank in Saxonwold, Mr. Molefe. What do you drink? Whisky on the rocks? I could order a few rounds of the finest Scotch whisky for you this Saturday. Or you could pick up the tab, Mr. Molefe? You did earn 9.5 million rand this year, excluding bonuses, didn’t you? So I must definitely see this shebeen.

The report adds Mr. Molefe and a man known as Ajay Gupta exchanged 58 calls between August 2015 and March 2016. That is a lot of talking, Mr. Molefe? What on earth did you talk about? I will be fair about this: I will not speculate if you talked about golf, football or the price of electricity in South Africa. Anyway: I must see this shebeen. What kind of music do they groove to in Saxonwold, Brian? (I will call you Brian; you don’t mind at all, do you?) Let us get back to the groove: Do they play dancehall music at the shebeen, Brian? Do the folks in Saxonwold get down to Mavado or Buju Banton? Or do they shake loose to Adam Levine and Maroon 5? But I’m still amazed Saxonwold has a shebeen to be frank. So, who runs this place: a big African mama with a big Afro to match? Do pretty waitresses clad in skimpy tight-fitting miniskirts serve you Coffin Bay King Oysters and Bourbon Whiskey on gold-encrusted trays at the shebeen, Brian?

Because you put up quite a show at the presentation of Eskom’s results. I still cannot get why you had to cry though. Did a deluge of bittersweet memories of the shebeen, Brian, flood you? I know the past has a terrible way of creeping up on people sometimes, especially when they least expect it to, and the troublesome reality of times gone by can move them to tears most inexplicably; and you so movingly showed us that really rich men do sob. So it is great to know that the man at the top of Eskom has a heart of pure gold. Anyway: is there a chance in Saxonwold you could tell us about the other shebeens you frequent, say in and around Hyde Park or Rosebank perhaps? There must be a shebeen of note in Bryanston as well, isn’t there, Brian?

But before you say or do anything incriminating, you had better hire a good PR firm to limit the damage your shebeen has done to property prices in Saxonwold. You might want to hire a good lawyer as well. I see a big class action lawsuit filed by the Saxonwold and Parkwood Residents Association landing on your desk in Sunninghill soon. So you might need that drink this Saturday, after all, my man. But if I don’t hear from you or witness another great performance from you in public: have a happy festive season, Brian.

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