By Tafi Mhaka
Summer is here. The birds are singing songs of joy. The flowers are in full bloom. The air is crispy fresh and full of hope for a great 2017.
This is just the right time to make plans for the future. Like making plans to get a fancy high-paying job, get a hefty raise, or get a stupefying promotion.
This is the time to lots of pretty good stuff. This is the time to be the ultimate go-getter in life and make mega millions.
It is wonderful to see all of you gathered here, this afternoon, I must say. Welcome to you all. Welcome to the mind-bending Shlaudee Soul Sessions.
Yes, it is time to rise to the challenge. Your life is about to change permanently! Yes, it is. Whoop whoop whoop! Shake it to the left. Whoop whoop whoop! Shake it to the right. Whoop whoop whoop! Shake it down low.
Never mind me doing the Shlaudee here. It is just this uncontrollable excitement getting the best of me. Whoop whoop whoop! The thrill of the chase is going to get to you too.
So free your minds ladies and gentleman. “Impossible is nothing”, is not just a quote from Muhammad Ali. It is the living spirit of the Shlaudee Soul Sessions. So think about all the new and shiny things you will have in life fairly soon: Like a Ferrari 50 or a Lamborghini Murcielago.
You could have a multimillion rand mansion in Clifton soon if you put your mind to it. The world is yours for the taking. Whoop, there it is for you to grab hold of.
Don’t dream small for one minute. Don’t hold back. This is it. Whoop whoop whoop! This is the moment you have been waiting for all your life.
This is the time to get busy and learn to do the Shlaudee. Now give me an S. Give me an H. Come on, say it louder! Give me an L, ladies and gentleman.
This is the business end of things for us. So it is nice to see so many highly paid professionals here this morning. Trust me: You are in the right place.
The Shlaudee is for highly ambitious people like you. Forget that bland stuff you learnt at university. The Shlaudee is an exciting and practical high-end solution to getting to the top.
The exhilarating experience you are about to undergo is freely available for a small fortune of course between Mondays and Fridays only. Feel free to book extra lessons or private lessons should you feel the urge to master the inner secrets of doing the Shlaudee.
It is the latest confidence-boosting spectacle to hit town. It is excellent beyond measure and wholly fresh and dynamic. It is totally world-class stuff. It is tried and tested and guaranteed to offer you great returns if you adopt its principles in business or at work. After you learn to do the Shlaudee, I promise, there won’t be a job too big or small for you to bag or accomplish.
The Shlaudee is great for the artsy types, who sing or act. Like musicians and actors. It is great for the nerdy types like programmers, accountants and doctors. It is great for the shy types who find it hard to speak in public forums. It is great for people who lack self-confidence. It is great for the hustlers too. It is great for the know-it-all types because the Shlaudee is the greatest hustle in town.
Now listen closely to what I say. Take mental notes if you can. This is how it works; it is this simple: You are the boss. Whatever you do. Wherever you are. Whoever you are with. Whatever the time of the day it is. Whatever happens in life, please remember this: You are the boss.
If you have a boss, whom you are supposed to report to, stuff them. You are the boss. If there are laid down procedures you must follow at work, stuff them. You are the boss.
If Mr. and Mrs. Goody Two shoes are making life difficult for you, stuff them. You are the boss. If it is a Monday, stuff it. Make it a Tuesday or a Friday if you want to.
If you want to go on holiday, please don’t take leave. Just go. If it is hot, stuff it. And make it rain baby. Move mountains you will after today.
I know you cannot wait to get going. Before you start doing the Shlaudee, have something sweet to drink – or grab a bite to eat. You are going to need tremendous amounts of energy for this inspirational session.
Here we go. Here we go now. Put your hands in the air. Twist your neck. Space your legs beyond shoulder length and bend your knees.
Now, listen to the music playing. Feel the funky music playing? Yeah, that’s right. Feel the beat rising? Feel the electrifying soulful sounds? Let’s go. Let’s go now.
Come on everybody. Let’s go ladies and gentlemen. It is time to do the Shlaudee!
Let go of everything. Let go of all your inhibitions. Smile. Frown. And sigh. Shut your eyes.
Brace yourself. Shake it to the left. Shake it to the right. Look mean. Look happy. Twist your neck again. Look straight ahead, and don’t blink.
Snarl, and say: I am the one. I am the chosen one. I am the best of the best. Now, take a deep breath, scream at the top of your lungs, continuously, and vigorously shake what your momma gave you non-stop for three and a half minutes – and you’ll get the hang of it!